Howdy family and friends. It's that time again, and I know you all look forward to our annual holiday letter. Who woulda thought that it would be so dern popular! I get all kindsa requests all year long from everone wantin' to make sure I don't forget to write it. We had lotsa good stuff happen this year, and some not so good stuff, like always, so I'll try not to leave out anything.
Everone's always askin' about Gramps, and whether he's been in any more bar fights. He's not a youngster anymore, and we thought his fightin' days were over, but he got into a tussle down to the Elks lodge right after the beginning of the year. Seems the old man don't like bein' called an old man, especially by some young punk who's had a few too many. Gramps ain't as good at throwin' punches as he once was, but can throw one punch as good as he ever did, and that's exactly what he did. Cop didn't slap the cuffs on him, and told the young feller that it ain't smart to go around callin' old men old man. Good thing he didn't run the specs on the old man, cuz Gramps still had a month left of probation from that pistol incident a few years back. If you don't remember that, get out your old copies of the holiday letter. I think twas around 2013 or so.
Grams is still kickin' and I mean that literally. Seems some old bar maid got to givin' Gramps some sort of saucy looks, and even had the nerve to sit on Gramp's knee when Grams was in the john down at the Moose lodge one night. Grams came flyin' when she seen that and yanked that bitch off'n his knee by her dyed blond hair, and took the boots to her. Yep, Grams still wears her old ridin' boots when she goes out dancin' with Gramps. Nobody called the cops that time, but you woulda thought that Grams needed to take the boots to Gramps for lettin' that tramp set on his knee, wouldn't ya. Don't worry, I'm sure Gramps is still payin' for that one.
Cousin Leroy got himself a real good job down at the DQ. He right away got promoted to junior assistant manager, and even got put on a salary! Course, they work him lots of hours, and that smartass brother of his,Elwin, who's good with numbers, had to point out during Thanksgiving dinner that if you add up all the hours he works in a month and figure up his salary, he works for about half of what the minimum wage is. I don't know about that, cuz everone knows I'm better with speelin' and riting and such than I is with numbers. Whut I do know, tho, is that it caused one hell of a ruckus, and Elwin was nursin' a burned neck from that turkey leg that Leroy held to his throat like it was a shiv or sumthing. Grams was screamin' that she'd take the boots to those two if they didn't show some brotherly love. Grams don't put up with fightin' at the table. She's likely to stab you in the back of the hand with a fork if you act up after she's worked so hard in the kitchen, especially if she's been hittin' the sauce. And I don't mean cranberry sauce...wink wink. But Leroy's doin' real good for himself, and even got that old van of his running again. He's savin' money by sleeping on an air mattress in the back of the van behind the bowling alley. He says it's a real good deal cuz they stay open late and let him use the bathroom, and all he has to do to earn his keep is polish the bowling pins now and then.
Elwin, on the other hand, ain't doin' so good. After he found out that his girlfriend was knocked up, he went off the deep end. Quit his job down at the cannery and spends his time layin' around on Gram's couch eatin' chips and smoking the weed. Grams insists that the weed is natural and good for him, and that if he smokes enough of it he'll start feelin' better and get over the fact that the girlfriend is carrying his brother Leroy's baby. Seems that she was down at the bowling alley a few times too many, and Leroy weren't just polishin' pins down there at the Lucky Lanes. Grams is just excited that she's gonna be a Gram again.
Grams reminded me that I should thank everyone for attending the potluck picnic that was held for her daughter's release from prison. The money tree was real helpful to help her bet back on her feet again. LouEllen is dancin' down at the men's club, and got herself a new boyfriend. He works at the club as a bouncer, and he's real protective of LouEllen, and keeps a real good eye on her when she's workin' those lap dances. They make a real cute couple. She's tryin' real hard to control that temper of hers that got her into trouble, and she's only had to be restrained by her bouncer boyfriend a couple times down at the club when some customer got a little too friendly puttin' those dollars into her thong. He says she's gettin' to be gentle as a kitten, and those two years in prison for assault taught her a real good lesson.
Now, as for the hubby and me, we had a pretty good year. Hank says that if the settlement from the lawsuit he filed against the lawnmower manufacturer comes through, I can quit one of my jobs. His fingers is healing real good, it's hard to tell that he's missing the tips of the fingers on his left hand unless you look real close. Our lawyer says that the lawnmower manufacturer was neggligent, and that they should have a warning on the machine that says you can't use the lawn mower to trim hedges. I don't understand much about that lawyer talk, but I hope we get some money out of it, cuz we sure ain't gonna get Hank's fingers back! Hank's been spending his time perfecting his fantasy football standings and taste testing beer. He writes to the beer companies and tells them what he thinks about their products, and sometimes they send him a coupon or two to thank him. I'm glad he has something that keeps him busy while I'm at work. It keeps him so busy, in fact, that he can't seem to find the time to help with the cooking, cleaning or laundry. That man...once he sets his mind to something he gets so involved in it he can't think of anything else. Anyone else remember when he went through that stage where he got so involved in watching poker on ESPN that he got let go from the mill? I've never met a man more dedicated to his hobbys.
I took some time off from both jobs last summer, and we took a nice little trip to visit Hank's brother Bob and his wife Gerty in Missouri. It was hotter than the dickens, but we had a good time settin' out on the front porch swattin' flies and talkin bout stuff. Bob is a bit of a braggert. He's a bigwig down at the Ketchup plant, and it was a little boring listening to him talk about condiments all the time, but I enjoyed Gerty's company. She stays at home and takes care of the house and grows flowers. She spends a lot of time on the computer commenting on all kinds of threads, she says. Funny, I did not even know that she liked to sew! She says she's some kind of expert on threads and likes to stir the pot. I guess that means she likes sewing and cooking. Maybe when I can quit one of my jobs I can try that too.
Well, until next year, hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Love from, Hank, Marietta, Grams, Gramps, and the rest of us.
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